What to do when your loved one Self Harms?

 

Your child, your partner, your cousin, your friend- it is a very surreal experience when you find a loved one self harming. You feel lost, angered, maybe even feel pity for the person and most often than not, you feel at a loss so as to how to respond. Today, let us discuss a little bit about this experience.

The worst thing that can happen is if you react in an offensive manner. Parents most often than not fall into this category. Their concern explodes as a wave of anger. To a self harmer, it looks like a rejection and a realization of their worst fears. No matter how estranged you are from them, there is still more often than not a feeling in every child to be accepted by his/her parents. And when you react in an explosive manner, it often pushes them away from you further, they feel as if you are not even trying to understand and that they are alone in their suffering. This leads to them getting depressed further and increases their self harming tendencies except now, they are even more careful to not let you catch them at it. So what to do? It is alright to feel angered and confused. The first thought that comes into a parent's mind is - "Where did we go wrong?". However, taking a deep breath and calming yourself down before addressing the other person can prove as a pivotal point in the person's recovery. Your anger can and should be dealt with at a later time, the first and foremost thing to be done in that moment is to show your child that you are there for them and that they can rely on you on their path to recovery. Shaming them, judging them or continually haranguing them about showing their arms or showing distrust can further widen the chasm and cause both you as well as your child a lot of hurt. Sit them down and talk to them. Do not push them, they will come to you in their own time. If needed, broach the subject of maybe seeking help - therapy or support groups can be very helpful. But once again - don't push them. If needed, seek help for yourself as well. Finding out that your child is self harming can be a harrowing experience. It leads to a lot of doubts and anxiety and seeking help for yourself to cope with it as well as maybe some advice on how to deal with it and help your child can be really helpful strategies.

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As a partner, figuring out when not to push your partner is something that is pretty difficult. You are concerned about them, worried about them, but at the same time, the best thing to do would not be to smother them. Just being there for them is often more than enough. There may be instances that they will rely on you or times when they simply burst out at you and you feel like its a little unfair. However, not losing your cool at that time is pretty important. Most self harmers have this feeling and fear of being alone and a defense mechanism to cope with everything around them is to push people away. The easiest way to do this?- picking fights with you. Another reason for this is that more often than not self harmers have a very volatile temper and emotions all over the place. So keeping your calm is important. This is not to say that you should become a doormat or just turn a blind eye towards their pain, but rather try and patiently get them to see that if they hurt, you hurt too. You can try and get them to seek professional help but do not be too pushy. More often than not, even if they dont say it, your silent support means the world to them and they rely on it more than they would ever be able to explain. Listen to them, keep an eye on them and most importantly- dont give up on them. Remember, bad times will pass and this will only bring you closer to them and you will emerge stronger together than ever before. It is also not a bad idea to seek help for yourself too if you find it traumatizing to see your partner in that state. Couple's therapy might also be a good solution a little down the road for the both of you.

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A friend often gets stuck in a hard position. There are certain boundaries you do not know if you can or should breach or not eg, whether you should pry into their private business or not, however, lending an ear and maybe a shoulder and letting them know that you are there is a very good option. It is not recommended that you immediately go and report the person as it not only breaks the person's trust, but rather can also prove detrimental to their mental health if the correct actions are not taken, however, if you feel that the issue is getting out of control or you feel like your friend might be endangering his/herself, then it is a good idea to go and tell them upfront that you feel that they might need to talk to someone about it and that you would be seeking professional and/or parental help on their behalf. While it may anger your friend for a bit, in the end, if it saves them, it definitely will be the right thing to do. However, only take this step if you cannot convince them to talk it out with the correct people themselves. Most important is to let them know that they have a friend in you and that you will be there to listen to them if they need you.

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Self harm not only affects the person, but it also affects the people who care about them. It is a dark and traumatizing experience for both parties and dealing with it and getting better and stronger is important for everyone. Self Harm is a real issue but it has a simple cure- love, patience and support.

Some other useful links for you to check out-

How to Respond to Self-Harm | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

5 Helpful Things to Say to a Friend Who Self-Harms (and 3 to Avoid) | SELF

Five things you can do if someone tells you they are self-harming (youngminds.org.uk)

Helping Teens Who Cut (for Parents) - Nemours KidsHealth

Responding to Self-Harm | Cleveland State University (csuohio.edu)

Feel free to let us know your experiences in the comments section below. If you reacted in a different way or if you feel a different approach might work. Or if you would like people to react in a certain way.